What to Say, What Not to Say, and How to Simply Be There
Grief can feel like foreign territory — not just for the person experiencing it, but for those around them. When someone you love is grieving, it’s natural to want to make things better, to offer comfort, or to say the right thing.
But here’s the truth:
Grief isn’t something you can fix. It’s something you can stand beside.
If you’re unsure how to support someone through loss, you’re not alone. Here are some gentle, practical ways to show up with care.
1. Choose Presence Over Perfection
You don’t need the perfect words. You don’t need grand gestures. What people in grief need most is simple, steady presence.
Instead of thinking, What should I say? try asking, How can I be here?
Sometimes that looks like quietly sitting together. Sometimes it’s offering a cup of tea. Sometimes it’s texting, “Thinking of you today. No need to reply.”
Your presence communicates more than perfectly chosen words ever could.
2. Avoid Quick Fixes or Silver Linings
It can be tempting to offer comfort by trying to make things “feel better.” Phrases like:
- “At least they lived a long life.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
…often unintentionally invalidate grief.
Instead, try:
- “I can’t imagine how hard this is.”
- “I’m here for you.”
- “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
You don’t need to solve their sadness — you just need to honour it.
3. Grief Doesn’t Have a Timeline
It’s normal for people to expect grief to soften after a certain period. But grief is not linear, and it doesn’t “expire.”
Be mindful of how you support your loved one beyond the initial weeks or months.
A message six months later or a gentle check-in on an anniversary can mean the world.
4. Offer Specific, Actionable Help
Grief can make it hard to make decisions or ask for support. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” try offering something concrete:
- “I’m free to bring dinner on Tuesday. Would that help?”
- “I can walk your dog this weekend.”
- “Can I pick up groceries for you tomorrow?”
Specific offers reduce the emotional labor on the grieving person and make it easier for them to say yes.
5. Accept Their Grief — However It Looks
Some people cry. Some go quiet. Some talk about the person constantly. Some don’t talk at all. There’s no right way to grieve.
Let them show up exactly as they are.
Grief is unpredictable. Your steady acceptance is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.
The Bottom Line:
Supporting someone in grief isn’t about saying the perfect thing. It’s about being there, staying there, and letting them know they don’t have to carry it all alone.