We all know that failure is part of life — intellectually, at least. But when it happens to us, especially in high-stakes or high-pressure roles, it rarely feels like a neutral event.
It can feel personal. Deflating. Shameful. Final.
For professionals and driven individuals, the idea of failure often carries heavy weight. You might see it as a reflection of your worth, a threat to your competence, or something you need to avoid at all costs. You might overwork to prevent it, spiral into self-criticism when it happens, or feel paralysed by the fear of making the wrong move.
At Santoka Therapy and Coaching, we help clients shift their relationship with failure — not by pretending it doesn’t hurt, but by reframing it using tools from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT).
Let’s explore how these approaches can help you move from fear and shame to resilience and perspective.
What We Usually Believe About Failure
Most of us internalise certain beliefs about failure from an early age — that it means you didn’t try hard enough, weren’t smart enough, or didn’t belong in the first place. We carry those messages into adulthood, where they quietly shape how we approach challenges.
Failure, then, becomes more than a moment. It becomes a narrative. One that says:
- “You’ve blown it.”
- “This proves you’re not good enough.”
- “Everyone else is handling things better than you.”
This story doesn’t just sting — it also gets in the way of growth. When failure feels shameful or dangerous, you’re less likely to take risks, ask for help, or try new things. You stay in your comfort zone, not because it’s fulfilling, but because it feels safer.
But what if failure wasn’t something to be feared, avoided, or covered up?
The ACT Perspective: Moving from Control to Choice
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), failure isn’t treated as a problem to be solved — it’s recognised as a natural part of living a full, values-led life.
Rather than trying to eliminate fear or uncertainty, ACT helps you shift your focus: from control to action, from rumination to values, from shame to meaning.
When failure shows up, ACT encourages you to:
- Notice the painful thoughts and emotions that come with it — without pushing them away
- Acknowledge that discomfort is part of the process of growth
- Reconnect with your values — the kind of person you want to be, regardless of outcomes
- Take the next meaningful step, even while doubt or regret are present
In other words, failure isn’t the opposite of progress. It’s often the doorway to it — if you’re willing to stay present, learn from the experience, and continue moving toward what matters.
The CFT Approach: Responding to Setbacks with Kindness, Not Shame
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) adds another vital element to this reframing process: self-compassion.
Where ACT gives us tools for action, CFT helps with the emotional tone. Because so often, it’s not the failure itself that causes the most suffering — it’s the way we treat ourselves afterwards.
That inner critic might say:
- “You should have known better.”
- “This is proof you’re not cut out for this.”
- “You’ve let people down.”
CFT teaches that this voice often developed as a form of protection — an attempt to avoid rejection or motivate improvement. But over time, it becomes a source of shame and paralysis.
In therapy, we help you recognise this inner critic, understand its role, and begin to build a new internal voice — the inner coach. This voice is calm, wise, and kind. It acknowledges the difficulty without making it personal. It offers support instead of punishment.
That might sound like:
- “You’re disappointed right now — that’s valid.”
- “You took a risk, and it didn’t work out. That’s part of growth.”
- “You can still be proud of the effort you made.”
- “Let’s reflect, learn, and try again — gently.”
Self-compassion isn’t weakness. It’s the thing that allows you to stand up and try again, instead of folding in on yourself.
What Reframed Failure Might Look Like in Practice
Reframing failure doesn’t mean denying the pain of a setback. It means widening your perspective.
Instead of viewing failure as proof that you’ve fallen short, you begin to see it as:
- Feedback on what didn’t work — not who you are
- A sign that you were willing to step outside your comfort zone
- A moment that asks for reflection, not punishment
- A necessary part of becoming more flexible, wise, and resilient
You stop asking, “Did I do it perfectly?” and start asking, “Did I act in line with what I care about?”
Over time, this shift builds a kind of quiet strength. You no longer need to avoid failure at all costs — because you know how to meet it when it comes.
This Is a Skill You Can Learn
If you’ve lived with a fear of failure for years — or if you’re carrying shame about a specific setback — know that there is another way to relate to these experiences. You don’t need to rewrite your past, but you can reframe what those moments mean to you now.
At Santoka Therapy and Coaching, we help thoughtful, capable individuals:
- Move through failure without losing themselves
- Quiet the inner critic and develop a more supportive inner voice
- Take meaningful action, even with fear in the room
- Rebuild confidence based on self-trust, not perfection
We offer:
- Online therapy and coaching sessions for professionals, entrepreneurs, and creatives across Ireland and beyond
- In-person retreats on the west coast of Ireland — a chance to reflect, reset, and move forward with clarity
Reach out today to book a free consultation. Failure doesn’t mean you’re off track. Sometimes, it means you’re closer to growth than you think.
