When Our Demons Don’t Play Nice
They sat quietly for a moment, side by side, both a little worn from the session, when he turned and looked at her and said softly:
“Our demons don’t play nice together.”
There was no blame in it. No sarcasm. Just a deep weariness and recognition. A truth spoken not to wound, but to explain.
And in that one sentence, he captured something so many couples feel but can’t always articulate — the experience of loving someone deeply, but still finding yourselves caught in the same painful patterns. Of seeing clearly that both people are doing their best, and still somehow making a mess of things.
At Santoka Therapy and Coaching, we hear versions of this line often.
- “We keep triggering each other.”
- “It’s like we’re stuck in the same argument, over and over.”
- “Neither of us is trying to hurt the other… but we end up hurt anyway.”
So why does this happen — and what can help?
When Hurt Meets Hurt
We all bring something into our relationships — not just habits and quirks, but wounds, fears, and protective strategies we’ve learned over time.
Maybe one of you learned to shut down when things got too emotional. Maybe the other learned to seek closeness quickly, for fear of being abandoned. Maybe you both grew up around conflict and swore you’d never repeat it… only to find yourselves raising your voices or retreating into silence when things get tense.
These patterns aren’t flaws — they’re survival strategies. And they often developed long before your partner ever entered the picture.
But when they collide — when one person’s fear of rejection meets the other’s need for space, when one person’s anxiety is met with another’s avoidance — it can feel like you’re playing emotional pinball, each of you bouncing off the other’s sore spots.
And so, the relationship gets stuck. Not because you don’t love each other, but because your demons don’t play nice together.
The Loop That Keeps You There
These patterns are rarely about what they seem on the surface. You’re not really arguing about whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher. You’re arguing because one of you feels unseen, or dismissed, or not cared for — and the other feels criticised, or not good enough, or backed into a corner.
When these feelings go unspoken or unacknowledged, they create a loop:
- One person reaches out, the other pulls back
- One criticises, the other defends
- One shuts down, the other escalates
It’s not that either of you is wrong. It’s just that you’ve both learned to protect yourselves in ways that now feel unsafe to the other.
And unless something interrupts that loop, the same dynamic keeps playing out — even when the topic changes.
It’s Not You vs. Them — It’s You Both vs. the Pattern
One of the most healing realisations in couples therapy is this:
You’re not stuck because you’re incompatible. You’re stuck because you’re caught in a pattern that neither of you created on purpose.
When you shift the focus from blaming each other to understanding the dynamic, everything softens. There’s more room for compassion. More space to say, “This isn’t the version of us I want either.”
And that’s when change becomes possible — not because you’ve solved the problem, but because you’ve stopped seeing each other as the problem.
What Helps When You See the Pattern
The first step is recognising the loop — not just the behaviour, but the emotion underneath. Noticing, for example:
- “I get sharp because I’m afraid you’re not really hearing me.”
- “I pull away because I’m scared I’ll mess it up if I stay in the room.”
The next step is learning how to slow things down. To create safety, not resolution. Sometimes that means checking in before a conversation gets heated. Sometimes it means calling a timeout when you know you’re both overwhelmed.
It also means learning to speak from vulnerability, not defence. Saying, “I feel anxious when we’re distant,” rather than, “You never talk to me anymore.” Or, “I want to feel close to you, but I get scared and shut down,” rather than, “You make everything so difficult.”
These moments might not feel groundbreaking, but they are. They change the tone. They signal to your partner: “I’m still here. And I’m willing to try.”
Your Demons Aren’t the Problem — It’s How They Interact
Everyone has their own inner critics, fears, and patterns. The goal isn’t to eliminate them — that’s neither realistic nor healthy. The goal is to learn how to be in relationship while holding space for each other’s demons with more care.
That might mean recognising when your partner is reacting from old pain — and not taking it personally. Or learning to own your part in the dynamic without collapsing into guilt or shame. It might mean practising repair — not perfectly, but consistently.
Because even when your demons don’t play nice, you can learn to.
When You’re Ready to Break the Cycle
At Santoka Therapy and Coaching, we support couples who find themselves stuck in these emotional patterns — not because something is broken, but because something important hasn’t yet been fully understood.
We offer online couples therapy across Ireland, helping you make sense of your patterns, strengthen emotional safety, and create a new way of connecting — even if your starting point feels fragile or unclear.
Reach out today for a consultation. You don’t have to keep circling the same arguments. You can step out of the loop — together.
