Low self-esteem isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s the quiet voice in the background that questions everything you do. It shows up as self-criticism after a meeting, discomfort receiving compliments, or that constant sense of not being “good enough,” no matter how much you achieve.
As therapists, we meet so many people who seem, on the outside, to have it all together — but inside, they’re carrying a sense of shame, insecurity, or harsh self-judgement that weighs them down.
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) offers a deeply human and healing approach to working with low self-esteem — one that meets people where they are, with warmth, care, and psychological insight.
A Different Way to Understand Low Self-Esteem
In CFT, we view low self-esteem not as a character flaw, but as something shaped by evolution, early experiences, and the way our brains are wired to protect us.
For example:
- If you grew up in an environment where criticism outweighed encouragement, it’s natural that your inner voice might mirror that.
- If you’ve faced rejection, bullying, or felt “not enough” for any reason, your brain may have learned to expect threat — even from yourself.
CFT helps us make sense of this. Rather than simply trying to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, we explore how shame and self-criticism may have developed as survival strategies — and gently introduce new ways of relating to ourselves.
The Three-System Model: Why Self-Criticism Feels So Powerful
One of the core ideas in CFT is that we all have three emotional regulation systems:
- Threat System: Alert to danger, criticism, or rejection. Activates anxiety, anger, and shame.
- Drive System: Motivates us to achieve, compete, and get things done. Associated with striving and reward.
- Soothing System: Linked to feelings of safety, connection, and care. Helps us calm down and feel content.
People with low self-esteem often have a very active threat system, sometimes balanced by a strong drive system (think high-achievers or perfectionists). But the soothing system is often underdeveloped — not because of any fault, but simply because it wasn’t nurtured.
CFT helps awaken and strengthen that soothing system — the part of us that can be kind, supportive, and encouraging, especially in moments of difficulty.
Developing a Compassionate Inner Voice
For many of our clients, the idea of being self-compassionate can feel foreign, even uncomfortable. Some worry it will make them weak, self-indulgent, or complacent.
But compassion in CFT is not soft or passive — it’s about having the courage to face suffering and the commitment to reduce it, both in others and in ourselves.
In therapy, we work to:
- Understand the function of self-criticism (it’s often trying to protect us)
- Gently explore early experiences that shaped our beliefs about worth and value
- Practise compassionate imagery, body-based grounding, and soothing techniques
- Develop a new internal tone — one that encourages rather than shames
It’s not about pretending everything is fine. It’s about learning to be a wise and kind ally to yourself, especially when things are hard.
Small Shifts That Make a Big Difference
Healing low self-esteem isn’t an overnight process. But through Compassion Focused Therapy, clients often begin to notice:
- A softer, less reactive inner dialogue
- Greater emotional resilience
- Increased ability to accept imperfection without spiralling
- More balanced relationships (as self-compassion grows, so does compassion for others)
- A deeper sense of safety in their own minds and bodies
For some, this feels like coming home to themselves — not a perfect version, but a whole and human one.
Who Is CFT For?
CFT can be especially helpful if you:
- Struggle with chronic self-criticism or shame
- Have a history of trauma, bullying, or emotionally invalidating experiences
- Tend to feel like an imposter, even when others see you as capable
- Find it hard to relax, feel safe, or treat yourself kindly
It’s a powerful approach for individuals dealing with depression, anxiety, perfectionism, or low self-worth, and we often integrate it with other therapies like ACT and MCT in our work.
A Space to Heal
One of the things we love most about Compassion Focused Therapy is that it brings warmth into the therapeutic process itself. Sessions aren’t about fixing you — they’re about understanding, soothing, and strengthening you. They’re a space where your struggles are met with gentleness, not judgment.
Whether you’re seeking therapy online or attending a retreat, we aim to create spaces where self-criticism doesn’t run the show — and where you can begin building a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
Want to Learn More?
If you’re tired of being your own worst critic and are ready to try something different, we’d be honoured to support you. At Santoka Therapy and Coaching, we offer online sessions as well as retreats on the west coast of Ireland that explore how Compassion Focused Therapy can help you reconnect with your sense of worth, value, and confidence.
Reach out today to take the first step toward healing — not by pushing yourself harder, but by learning to stand with yourself, with compassion.
